This part of the soul-searching is noted by him as up to the end of 1888:
From 1883 until – the last day of the shiva after my son Zeev Dov 1888 – God granted me 4 children and they died because of my sins
He writes in detail the dates when his wife gave birth to the four short-lived children: A daughter –Libe Sara [died that same year], A son [who died within a month], a daughter Frieda [died after about a month], and the son Zeev Dov who was circumsized and lived about half a year. He hopes God will comfort him.
Baruch Meir
regards the death of his four children to be for the 4 letters of God’s name that he may have profaned. He sets for himself 26 ta’aniot: 26 portions of Mishnayot to learn by heart- 5 chapters of Avot, 9 chapters of Brakhot, 7 chapters of Talmud, 5 chapters of Midot. Also to finish portions with the public which he had neglected for many years.
In 1890, he spent 7 weeks before Passover with his father in Brisk to get back to the right road in Torah and in deeds.
He admits that he failed to meet his own expectations: he did not succeed in strengthening his Torah studies.
He finishes this page in Yiddish:
I swore to write about matters of the soul with no lies or exaggeration and this is all true and God will keep me away from the evil inclination – Amen.
